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Repunzel, Repunzel, your hair is too short for me to save you!

July 23, 2009

And yet again another reason to have a sinking, disgusted feeling in the pit of my stomach.  This time it’s from fashion magazine, Elle.   In her article, Johanna Cox talks about her experiences with short hair and how it has affected her success with the other sex.  To begin, she rehashes the day she spontaneously requested a stylist to recreate a photo of a pixie cut she had found on the web.   She went home to the boyfriend she lived with at the time, and with one look at her new do, he lost all attraction for her.  What. a. winner.  An excerpt from her article:

He no doubt felt that if I had the nerve to walk around looking like the Karate Kid, so too did I have the nerve to listen to the truth.  And frankly, he was right.  Having recently published my first scholarly article, completed my second marathon, and written my fashion blog’s 1,000th post, I felt more in control of my future than ever.  I lived with a brilliant man who adored me, I had parents I spoke to every day, plus. . . I looked better than ever, too.

So.  What you’re saying, Johanna, is that you felt so incredibly in control of and positive about your life at that moment  you decided to chop off your hair.  It’s almost as if you felt that this haircut would just be another step in proclaiming your happy existence to the world.  And the minute you walked in the door, the “brilliant man” who supposedly adored you was no longer interested?  You were with this guy for 2 years, and every ounce of attraction he had for you was locked up in your long hair?  Christ.  Not that you appear to be very successful and driven?  Not that you appear to be a confident, happy person?  W.o.w. What a superficial douchebag.   But obviously, he’s not alone.  She quotes a male journalist:

. . .a woman with short hair is off-putting.  She’s making the statement that she doesn’t have to do what everyone else is doing. 

Cox puts this quote into one word: self-righteous.  2nd Christ.  So, really?  Because I don’t want to grow long hair, I’m self-righteous?  When a guy grows longer hair opposed to the standard shorter cut, he’s not a rebel, or making his own rules, but self-righteous?  Good to know. 

And, just like every argument we’ve ever heard against fatty fatties, long hair, just like a thin body,  means you have good genes. Yep.  Because it takes years to grow long, thick hair.  So guys are just living up to their hard-wired evolutionary good-mate-selecting-standards.  3rd Christ.  Along those lines, we can’t forget the little boy in them.  Patti Stanger says that because little boys learned about Cinderella and Repunzel, grown-up boys pursue girls just like them.  Pretty girls with long hair.  You can’t rescue your own personal Repunzel if she has short hair.  Right? Right.

Cox kept the short hair (kudos to her for that, I mean a lot of women would say, well, I’ll grow my hair back out if you’ll stay, sweetie!  Please don’t leave meeee…..) and has realized that most men aren’t into the shorty hairdo.   She lists the men who won’t hit on her: the nice guy, the skeevy married man, and the construction worker.   As far as I can see, it seems to be  a win-win.  You got rid of the superficial asshole whose entire attraction lay in something that you could lose to fire, chemotherapy, or a myriad of other diseases.  Also, something you may have chosen to grow out again anyway.  Then, you don’t have to deal with catcalls from construction men, hit-ons from married men, or Mr. Nice Guy ™ (MY FAVORITE GUY EVER.)    Because hair, and all other bullshit like this doesn’t fucking matter.  Again, patriarchy, if you can’t be bothered to feel attraction based on something real, invest in a really pretty blow up doll and put a wig on her.  A nice, long, braided one…just like Repunzel.  I’ll throw in a cardboard castle balcony, just for you, for FREE.

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